I came home from school and took my nap. Opened my eyes when the sun had already set on the west. Switched on the television and there, saw a young actress portraying a role of a girl who secretly had fallen in love with her best friend. The theme song played, "Paano na kaya? Di sinasadya. Di kayang magtapat ng puso ko. Bakit sa dinamin-dami ng kaibigan ko, ikaw pa?" You might already know the Filipino movie I am talking about. Yeah. As I am watching, I just smiled -- thinking that there would be no real life story as the movie shows. Maybe, somehow, some may find resemblance but will never be exactly the way Kim-Gerald story goes.
Beside that, another thought popped out in my head. Nakakainis! Bakit kaya may mga taong ganun? Kahit alam nilang may gusto sila sa isa't isa, tinatago nila yun sa label na mag-bestfriend? Ano yun? Pilit nilang nilalagyan ng twist yung love story nila para sweet o may niloloko sila? Kung hindi ibang tao, baka mga sarili nila.
I turned on the computer. Logged in in a social networking site. Clicked and played. Saw an interesting blogger name and clicked. Read her thoughts -- in which more than 50% is about L-O-V-E. Ohhhnoooeeess. Kanina pa yan. But, I still kept on reading her posts. Until, I find my self reading about someone she missed; someone she once had but left. Sadly, a boy registered in my head and all of a sudden, I find myself in a state of missing him - a thing that I'd never thought I will ever feel again.
I traveled down my memory lane - our fights, text messages, vanity pictures together, Jollibee value meals, katakawan, dramas, lies, hurts, laughter, pain, third party affair, a-night-long phone conversation, Forevermore, roses, goodbyes and deception. Hayyy. Maybe it's true, that a girl will always remember the details left to her by the one she truly loves; because, until now, I still do.
The boy is my last boyfriend. Yet, I have given him all the love and privileges my first boyfriend should benefited from. After him, I had never fallen in love again nor been attracted to anyone. Staying out of a romantic relationship is not my option, it's my decision. Because I have proven, it's real, the heart is the most deceitful thing.
It makes me feel that something's the best for me, but it's not. It keeps telling me that I'll be happy to where it leads me, but, it's all temporal. Most of all, it always pushes me to follow its will while ignoring the fact that it's still HIS will that I should be submitting to.
Ayun. Naisip kong, minsan kong nagkamali dahil dito. Ayaw ko ng magkamali pa.
Kaya kahit nararamdaman ko ngayong nami-miss ko siya, alam ko, pag nag-give in ako, magkakamali uli ako. Sasarilinin ko na lang to. Bukas, pag gising ko, wala na ito.
Someday, if He'll reveal me the man He has prepared for me, that will be for sure. I must listen to His heart; not mine -- for it has always been deceitful above all things. :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, December 20, 2010
Defining Maturity
I just came home from a meeting. To be honest, it's about 55 minutes ago since my feet stepped in our house. The convergence I am talking about was a church-related one. Since the end of the year is fast-approaching, the youths and my co-leaders did an evaluation of 2010; after a successful Junior Y Thanksgiving Celebration and gulping our macaroni soup.I have no plan of telling you the nitty-gritty of the minutes, yet, tonight (it's already 12:03 a.m! morning, rather. ;p), I am pushed to share the realizations from today's experiences.
While preparing the soup, I conversed with one of my best buddies, Marjo. Having a little kick of nostalgia in me, I asked her about the thing she told me about five years from now. We were in front of dining table then, back in our old apartment. She asked me. "Am I immatured?"; and she remembered it. After laughing, she told me "Kaw! Pinaalala mo naman sa'kin yan". Haha. I didn't exactly know why I'd brought up the issue but, amazingly, Marjo's concluding statement for tonight's meeting was somehow connected with the question of maturity.
10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
-- 1 Corinthians 13:11, NIV
The verses moved me. It was Paul saying that as we grow up, we must put our childish ways behind us. With faith, hope and love; growth should also be included. There's also a call for maturity.
I, honestly, don't even know how it feels to be called an immatured. Back in highschool, my friends thought of me as ahead of them in terms of intelligence and emotional quotient. Until I reached 20, a boy who is three years my junior told me through SMS these words: "Ilang taon ka na? At ilang taon ka na mag-isip?". Being insulted with the words he threw, I texted him back, saying "Wow! Anong akala mo sa sarili mo? Matured ka na?". I was sarcastic then, but in all honesty, I must say, my ego was hurt. I do not know if Marjo felt the same way when somebody told her that she was immatured; but it stang not just my pride, but my heart.
What does it take to be matured? How can someone be able to measure where he/she is now in respect to maturity spectrum?
Walking home, I've really been thinking of myself, not selfishly, but in terms of my maturity. I can't say I am; because the truth is, for my 21 years of existence, there is so much immaturies in me. Maybe, that boy has the point to question me like that. However, if ever I'd be given a chance to answer him back again, I rather told him I know his point than proving him,through my original reply,that I am such.
I just turned 21 last December 6 and since that day, I've been praying for growth. Well, admitting that you are still childish in many ways at that age is hard; yes. But if denial would hinder me from growing, I rather lay my bare self. I want to be matured. I want to leave the childish ways behind me. I want to grow and be a woman - a woman of God. I may not know exactly how; but someday, somehow, I am longing to be one.
While preparing the soup, I conversed with one of my best buddies, Marjo. Having a little kick of nostalgia in me, I asked her about the thing she told me about five years from now. We were in front of dining table then, back in our old apartment. She asked me. "Am I immatured?"; and she remembered it. After laughing, she told me "Kaw! Pinaalala mo naman sa'kin yan". Haha. I didn't exactly know why I'd brought up the issue but, amazingly, Marjo's concluding statement for tonight's meeting was somehow connected with the question of maturity.
10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
-- 1 Corinthians 13:11, NIV
The verses moved me. It was Paul saying that as we grow up, we must put our childish ways behind us. With faith, hope and love; growth should also be included. There's also a call for maturity.
I, honestly, don't even know how it feels to be called an immatured. Back in highschool, my friends thought of me as ahead of them in terms of intelligence and emotional quotient. Until I reached 20, a boy who is three years my junior told me through SMS these words: "Ilang taon ka na? At ilang taon ka na mag-isip?". Being insulted with the words he threw, I texted him back, saying "Wow! Anong akala mo sa sarili mo? Matured ka na?". I was sarcastic then, but in all honesty, I must say, my ego was hurt. I do not know if Marjo felt the same way when somebody told her that she was immatured; but it stang not just my pride, but my heart.
What does it take to be matured? How can someone be able to measure where he/she is now in respect to maturity spectrum?
Walking home, I've really been thinking of myself, not selfishly, but in terms of my maturity. I can't say I am; because the truth is, for my 21 years of existence, there is so much immaturies in me. Maybe, that boy has the point to question me like that. However, if ever I'd be given a chance to answer him back again, I rather told him I know his point than proving him,through my original reply,that I am such.
I just turned 21 last December 6 and since that day, I've been praying for growth. Well, admitting that you are still childish in many ways at that age is hard; yes. But if denial would hinder me from growing, I rather lay my bare self. I want to be matured. I want to leave the childish ways behind me. I want to grow and be a woman - a woman of God. I may not know exactly how; but someday, somehow, I am longing to be one.
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